I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
