There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
