i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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