My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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