just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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