yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Randomize
