the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
