i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
