Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
