She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
