Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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