it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Randomize
