i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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