A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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