Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
