sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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