Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
