i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
