dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
