Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
