and my herpes radar will keep us safe
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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