yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
