somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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