chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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