Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
