Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
