I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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