He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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