I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
