I CAN MOONWALK!
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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