You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
