I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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