So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
