He uses pillows to masturbate.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
