I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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