ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
