brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
