thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
