Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
