Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
