The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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