I faked an abortion last night.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
