shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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