I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
