took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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