if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
