I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
