i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
