Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Randomize
