If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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