He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize