I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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