We're like a lot better than the average bears
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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