so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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