i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
