I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
