he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
