From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
