cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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